Wednesday, April 18, 2007

How To Cancel Band Practice:
A Nine Step Program

Hey boys and girls if you've ever wondered how to have a good time on a Friday night take a lesson from The Chop!

  1. Step one: Before the party head to Chinatown with your favorite drinking buddy whose penchant for mischief and questionable judgment matches your own.
    (Note: Chinatown is great because the Asians really like it when white people storm into their local bars and cause a ruckus whilst they are quietly trying to watch soap operas in their native tongue, with sub-titles in some other Asian country's native tongue.)

  2. Step two: Before you go to the party make sure you bring enough champagne to make your fellow party goers say, "Damn, The Chop celebrates New Year's Eve every fucking night!"

  3. Step Three: Now this is really important: Don't leave the party until there is absolutely no chance you could possibly get home without injuring yourself, or someone else, or at least some sort of public property.
    (Note: After you have left the party make sure your trusted friend is with you. You're going to need him.)

  4. Step Four: When you see a poorly lit piece of nicely manicured North Beach shrubbery DO NOT HESITATE! Jump right in that sucker.

  5. Step Five: When you feel the blunt, rusty spike enter your thigh, ignore it. You can walk it off.
    (Note: These spikes shouldn't be there in the first place. All they do is restrict plants in, forcing them to grow straight.)

  6. Step Six: When your trusted friend shoves you to the ground and clamps his hands over your open wound (which is bleeding like a virgin in her first Ass to Mouth underground amateur porn video) make you sure you say something like, "Ambulance? I don't need an ambulance you pussy!" This probably isn't true but it makes you look tough.
  7. Step Seven: As the cops roll up and shove said trusted friend against the wall yelling things like,"What the fuck did you stab him with!" make sure you laugh as loud as you can. DON'T say something like, "Hey, that guy just prevented me from bleeding to death on the street and indirectly ensured the greatest band in the world can continue its mission of spreading pure rock and true love."

  8. Step Eight: Later, when the nurse asks which arm you want your tetanus shot, think hard. Not on which hand you write with, or even which hand you prefer to pleasure yourself with, but which hand you rock more with. (I went with the right because The Chop is not Danish Death Metal and fret work is more important than blind speed.)

  9. Step Nine: When it’s all over and they release you from the Hospital six hours later as the sun begins to rise, call your local Chop brother. He'll be there, NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

Epilogue: All these events occurred as dictated from Buffalo Balls under oath to stenographer: Chuckley McGiggles.

-Johnny B.